Do NOT Watch The Barbie Movie!!!

It's not about a busty doll--it's about a ball breaker!

This may contain spoilers about Barbie the movie. Or, it may not. Either way,  you really need to read this, if you love your family. 

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Do not watch the new Barbie movie starring Margot Robbie. Especially if you're a man or male identifying and responsible for protecting your women folk. The movie is deceitful and subversive. It’s dangerous. 

Even if you’re a father and thought, “I’ll take my daughter to see this blockbuster movie. We’ll remember it forever!” 

Stop! Do NOT do that. It will be unforgettable but not for the reason you think.

Let me explain. 

First off, it’s hardly about Barbie the toy. It may be called Barbie, but it’s not about the doll. That’s the ruse to get you to buy tickets. You think you’re getting tricolored cotton candy. But it’s broccoli!

The movie is actually about something much larger and more important–turning our ladies into feminists who emasculate real men. You can’t make this stuff up. 

Regrettably, this bait and switch tactic is working. The box office receipts are approaching a billion dollars. It enjoyed the biggest opening weekend for any movie released in 2023–and by a female director. The stinging cuts you feel on your masculinity are real. They’re from the falling glass of another shattered ceiling. Sigh.

I get it. Barbie’s been a fixture in the lives of so many girls and boys their entire lives. I personally didn’t OWN 10 Barbies. But my sister did. G.I. Joe, Johnny West and our manly action figures need someone to protect, right?

And what 11-year old boy isn’t Barbie curious? What’s going on under that shapely red dress???

I can’t lie. It’s a very entertaining movie. So many beautiful, super happy Barbies and Kens living their best lives. Singing. Dancing. It’s impossible NOT to groove in your seat and want more. 

Until suddenly Barbie has an epiphany and a plot lands in your lap like the neighbor’s 150 pound dog who snuck in the open patio. Oomph! I mean, you like a good boy, but dang. 

-SPOILER ALERT—Last Warning—

Basically, Barbie has an existential identity crisis. She embarks on a journey to find herself. Uh-oh! This can’t be good but it’s too late. You’ve lowered your guard– the vigil you maintain 24X7 365 days a week, like a real man does to protect his women folk–and BAM. You’re riding shotgun and rooting for Barbie.

The ensuing journey is engaging, hilarious, and so darn fun. Barbie’s looking for her place in the world and you want her to find it…

—for real, spoilers are right below—

Unfortunately, when an answer appears in the shape of a new, shiny Barbie-sized box, she completely misses it!!! That should’ve been the ending to the movie, frankly. A perfect ending. 

“Get in the box, Barbie!!!” I shouted at the screen. That was NOT well received by other movie goers…or my own family. Like they don’t gossip all the way through Fast and Furious movies when I make them watch them again. 

Shortly after, the real star of the movie, Ken, tries to help Barbie, actually ALL Barbies, by firmly and lovingly reasserting the Right Way of Living that the movie jokingly refers to as The Patriarchy. 

Needless to say, the movie goes permanently off the rails and Barbie foolishly attacks and rejects Ken’s love and selfishly fights to overthrow the lawful order of things. Just when you think the movie can’t get any worse, it happens. The real crime. 

America Ferrara–yes, they used our country’s namesake for this sneaky, deceitful trick–gives a speech that absolutely brainwashes a fragile, unprotected mind. Your wife, daughter, anyone actually, hearing this will never think about “Barbie”--AKA womanhood–the same way again.

I don’t remember it exactly but it’s something like this:

"...It is literally impossible to be a woman…You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin…”

Yes, that’s right! You preach it, America!

“...You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas…”

Yes, dear. That’s called being a great leader!

“...You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people…”

Yes, that’s what modern WOMEN do!!! I’m loving this speech until…

“...You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood. But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged…”

Wow. That took a weird turn. 

"...So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard! It's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you…”

Well that made me uncomfortable. There should be a law against that.

America ends her speech but it lingers and vibrates deeply. A harmonic resonance that cracks the pink crystal box that protects the feminine ideal we have crafted over decades of stewardship.  

In the movie something profound happens and propels the plot forward. But in the theater, something also happens. Heads are shaking. It’s like hundreds of sleep walkers suddenly wake up and are confused. “Where am I?” As if they were suddenly awoken from a slumber induced by a nefarious prince. They become WOKE. 

It’s such a deceitful trick that I was nauseated. 

Fortunately, the movie quickly resumes delightful dancing, singing, and  happy action.  A few minutes later you’re not sure if anything even happened.

It’s only when you’re walking out of the theater and you hear little girls start asking, “Why DO women make 30% less than men?”

“Why are there so few women CEOs or presidents?” 

Oh no. You walk out of the theater blinded by an intense realization. Barbie the toy has become an agitator, an activist. You fear the passing of an age.

So I try to walk tall, but not too tall. Confident, but not arrogant. Maybe humble. And I try to blend in to the new world unfolding all around me as I lightly tread on the glass shards littering the world. 

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DISCLAIMER: My wife thought I’d get hate mail if I left it there. I was surprised. The above is an obvious attempt to lampoon the mindset that is threatened by Barbie the movie. I loved it. But more importantly, I think it works. It’s very effective in calling out the bizarre prison that has been constructed by men for women all over the world. To me the real star wasn’t Margot Robbie, though she was awesome, it was America Ferrera’s speech. If you’ve seen the movie, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, stop reading and go see it.